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The world in which we live in through my eyes is nothing short of a watching a child on a bike heading toward a fall, unable to stop & there is nothing you can do but throw your hands on your head, cringe & hope for the best. Knowing that the end is going to be rough, but hopeful you can start over.

Our constant battle to outdo each other on social media is suffocating & habitual. Everyone is a comedian, an athlete, a super-parent, a success-story, a bad-ass, a worthy cause, an enlightened souls, opinion leaders,  politically savvy, trend-forward and living life way better than you. In this arena, have we essentially gone back to our roots where we instinctively compete amongst the pack for positions? Self-servingly put ourselves up on pedestals for others to envy? Providing daily status reports on our personal lives with connectivity amplifying the power of perception?

Everything is debatable by those who are thirsting for a fight, hiding behind keyboards and ambiguous user ID’s.

Or is it and eclectic collection of personal agendas? I’m better than you because I have never been. I’m just like you you because I have never belonged. I’m doing exactly what you are doing, but I’m defiant.

Tragedy is trendy. Compassion is commercial & temporary. Monotony is news-worthy. We are removed from the physical, the face-to-face and further from genuine human compassion.

I fear that my adulthood has been stripped of the beauty of quiet discovery & private observation of the world that my childhood had. I fear that is something that my daughter will never know & she will always be trapped in this social media world that is a side-effect of our advancements.

I believe that as an intelligent species, we were destined to be technologically advanced. We are supposed to help people in 3rd world countries find light with solar power, and other like opportunities to help everyone on this earth live. We were supposed to have small computers aid us all in living, but we should not live life by them.

Go plant a garden, plant flowers for the bees, shovel your neighbors driveway & rake their leaves, help carry someone’s groceries, donate what you don’t need & reuse what you can. Do it all for yourself. Make yourself a good strong helpful heart.  Gain self appreciation and self worth. Learn to talk to people. Learn to be kind to one another.

…and while you’re doing all of that, skip the “selfie.”






Keep Running

In summer softball league, I was one of the older girls. In fact, it was the last year I was able to play at that level. My skills were decent enough to earn me an infield position, with my choice of playing first or third, since I was only one of two girls that could make the throw from one of those bases to the other.

Honestly, none of the teams were exceptionally good. Most of the girls still struggled with being able to anticipate the plays and making accurate throws. My mental graduation from that league was the day I used that information to my advantage.

When you’re “on deck” to bat, a series of thoughts & ambitious wishes go through your head.

“Don’t strike out”

“Eye on the ball”

“Swing as she releases”

“What if this is the play of the game…”

“I hope I do better than last time”

“I just want to be good”

Stepping up to bat, no matter how much you tried to relax and prepare, nerves always hit as soon as the ump called “batter!”

The standard strategy was to kill the ball. All the greats always hit it out if the park. If you hit the ball really far out, it will take the other team longer to retrieve it, you’ll get a home run and everyone else will run in. You try to think ambitiously, but you usually end up bargaining down with fate for a spot on 1st.

This day was different. This time, before I walked up to bat, I heard a voice in my head that said “keep running.”

Interesting thought – as long as I could hit the ball, anywhere, if I just kept running chances are that the girls would get unnerved, overthrow or under throw, and I could make it home. It was a huge chance to take, or was it? What would it hurt if I just tried it this once?

So I stepped up to bat with a lot less weight of expectation on my shoulders. I didn’t have to hit it out of the park. “Just wait for a good pitch and make contact,” I told myself. And then it happened. Contact was made, ball was hit and I was off proving out my epiphany.

Everything played out exactly as I had envisioned it. I ran as fast as i could around1st, 2nd and 3rd. The girls on the opposing team couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t afraid and why I wasn’t playing behind the ball. I wasn’t. I was going to meet it head on. I challenged all of them at that moment. I took the entire team on. “If you want to get me out, you’re going to have to earn it!” They fumbled around, and I kept running. That was the day I got my first Home Run.

My life lesson from that day; Stop planning the next incremental move, look at the big picture, have faith in yourself, and keep running.

Ode to Squirrel : Death June 18, 2012

Little insignificant gray squirrel on a mission
On your way to start your day

Bounding human industrialization

You never thought you’d never make it

Big careless gray truck
Unsympathetic to your tiny body

You fought vigorously to continue your life
And finally resigned

You laid still and my heart felt the pain of an emerging prayer

Today was your last on Earth
But I will make sure you are reminisced


Aside from pink, and quite unexpectedly, my other most favorite color in the world is brown. A deep, warm, rich fudgey brown. The kind that draws compliments from random passer-bys. Ambiguous enough at times it may get mistaken for black. When the sun hits it, it emits red spotty highlights and lightens to a soft brick tone if left out too long. It’s the kind of brown that makes you buy all dark furniture & bedding. The kind you always need a lint roller for. The sweetest, softest, snuggliest, furry brown you could ever imagine.

I never wanted a dog. Within a matter of seconds a dog could drench you in spit, get you hairy and dirty, knock you over, and leave a strange odor radiating from any given cheek, if not both. I was a cat person. I was 7 when we got our kitten. She was small, simple & independent.  I was content with kitties.  Then through a series of events and poor decisions, I ended up with a bad relationship and a puppy.

She was adorable when she was a puppy, googly eyes and all, but that’s about all she was. I actually thought she was a little monster and avoided her most of the time. She was extremely rambunctious and had the sharpest little puppy teeth. Her snack of choice was my feet. I would have to run from her or I’d end up bleeding from one extremity or another.
She was extremely mischievous. She tore anything and everything to shreds. When I returned home after work one day to find my $2000 35mm Minolta and all it’s attachments scattered about the living room, I realized anything I owned was fair game.

I was “stuck” with her most of the time. Her co-owner was frequently absent from both of our lives. I, alone, discovered how much work puppies were. She went with me wherever I went. On errands and out on my favorite walking trails. We went home to visit my parents on the weekends and it seemed like we were at the vet every other week for a new kind of required shot. I couldn’t leave her for too long. She was too little and dependent.

Through divine mercy and a surge of intelligence on my part, the bad relationship ended when she was 2. I was not equip to take her with me. There weren’t a lot of dog-friendly rentals, but when I was informed that if I left her she would be given away, my mind was made up. After 40 rejections, I cried my way into a little basement apartment. It was hardly any bigger than her kennel.

I took her for walks twice a day, once before work and once after so she, and I, didn’t go stir crazy. At that time she was all I had. Spending that much time made me realize that she had an above average level of intelligence, or it may have been that she was extremely intuitive. My discovery of how much so was when I was having one of the worst days I can remember. Heartbreak and loneliness filled my heart and poured out in the form of tears my entire commute home. At that time, it did most days, but this day I wasn’t handling it well at all. I couldn’t muster enough ambition or self-worth to even take her on her evening walk. I walked into the apartment door and crumbled onto the futon letting my depression consume me. Moments later she got up on the futon, laid between what was left of me and the back of the couch (as if she was “the big spoon”) and put her front right leg over my left shoulder. I paused, thought “she’s consoling me.” Laughter instantly overpowered my tears. She flipped my mood, pulled me together, and ultimately got her evening walk.

I kept having bad days, and she kept making me get out of bed every day to walk her and feed her. My daily chore was to make sure she had a fulfilling day. We were back to running errands, but now in a new town. I noticed that the local ice cream shops advertised “Doggie Sundaes,” so we took advantage often. She took better care of me than I of her. It’s funny how all the bad properties I applied to dogs – the smelly, dirty, slobberiness – suddenly turned into things I loved about them. I love kisses on the face and I don’t care much about the stray hair. Her breath can be bad at times, but none of those things could make me love her any less.
I loved not only her, but began loving everyone else’s dogs as well. I began to see dogs as little pure-hearts, full of love, loyalty and good intentions. I had officially blossomed into a dog person.

I knew I had to get her out of that apartment. I could have been content living in a small apartment by myself, but it wasn’t fair to her. After a year of searching I found a house less than 2 miles away, in neighborhood we took walks around everyday. Once the offer was accepted, I walked her there from our apartment for the first time. We started down the driveway, and I could tell she was slightly confused, walking too far into people’s yards and down driveways was usually not tolerated. We rounded the side walk and stopped in front of the living room picture window. She looked up at me with that confused worried face, so I felt the need to explain. I said, “it’s your house.” I really don’t know if she understood me, as with most things I say to her, but her reaction, also like most things, was congruent with context. She jumped in the air at me excitedly and repeatedly. I will always believe that she knew what I said. I started building equity and she got the yard she could play, her favorite, Frisbee in.

Her name is Newt. Named after a baby salamander and a nickname sometimes thrown-around by “former-life” friends. It was not the smartest choice for a girl, but as she grew it suited her better than any other name I can dream of. I see newts at delicate, gentle, a little dirty, very outdoorsy, not too girly and somebody’s baby. She is definitely all of those things.
Shortly after we moved in, I checked her water bowl that I had left out the day before. When I discovered what was in it, I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be, right here with her.

(That was 5 years ago, our happy life continues and gets even better, but we’ll save that for another time.)

What’s In a Name

Why would you read this unless you were curious about the name and wondered where it came from? I’ll oblige.

“Starting a Blog” recommended tips say that it should be unique. I agree and know that part of my inner-creative would die if I called it “DeAnna’s Deep Thoughts” or “DeAnna’s Blabber Blog.” I really think it may fall along the lines of the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s “Blood Sugar Sex Magic”, or Gwen Stefani’s “Love. Angel. Music. Baby.” – neither one I particularly love. This is just what came out of my head and now we’re both stuck with it.

(…And for the usual beginner blog disclaimer ; I’m not the best writer in the world. I don’t spell things correctly all the time. I sometimes can’t even manage to compose a proper sentence. I can only ask that you try to pick up what I’m throwing down.)

As a kid, with only a sister, I was assigned this pink color. She would get the purple version & I would get the pink. So much so, that when I received two “My Little Pony’s” for my birthday, a purple and a pink one, I automatically handed her the purple one. I never thought twice about it. I forgot about pink for years. At some point, late highschool-early college I was possibly repulsed by it, but all of a sudden, a couple years ago, for whatever deep psychological reason, I started loving it again. I am drawn to it and it gives me a pleasant feeling. I have a pink track jacket, my dog wears pink collars. My most favorite pajama pants are the most bright, blinding pink anyone could stand. I try not to be obnoxious with it, like Steel Magnolia’s wedding scene or Hello Kitty crazy. When I own something that’s pink, I feel like it’s really mine.

Early last year I went to bed and about an hour later I realized how thirsty I was. It was so powerful, I got out of bed immediately to attempt to resolve my problem. I made it over to the stairs and the next thing I knew I was airborn-landed-achey-disoriented. I missed the first step. I landed halfway down the stairs on the back of my head & small of my back. My arm hurt but it was ok. I sat for a minute to get my bearings and then decided that I would complete my mission and continued on to the kitchen. halfway there I experienced an overwhelming feeling of impending doom and hightailed it back to bed. I later discovered this was a symptom of a minor concussion. Fumbling defines me. I fumble around clumsily, I fumble in social settings, I fumbled in school and with my life choices. I fumble through life.

Puppy is 7 and a half years old. She is the smartest, sweetest chocolate lab that continually improves and saves my life, and I can’t image life without her. I promise this will not be the last you read of her.

Love is the state I’m in. Through all my challenges with it and trying to figure it out, I never gave up on the idea of love. It is the Gorilla glue that holds people together.  After all my fumbling with it, I find myself in-love, lucky and happy. .. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world and I am completely immersed in it.

pink fumble puppy love